


Its not fine

by superwholocked_wizard



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: And love, Consolation, M/M, Poe is Sad, Poe is distraught, Poe loves Finn, Stormpilot, Stormpilot angst, They need hugs, and to love each other, angsty Poe, angsty stormpilot, finn comforts him, finn consoles poe, finn loves poe, i love these two, its gay my dudes, jessica pava dies, poe is having panic attacks, they are head over heels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 20:57:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12615336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwholocked_wizard/pseuds/superwholocked_wizard
Summary: Poe isn't really fine, well, anyone in the resistance isn't really fine. its their defining trait.how could you be fine when you're in an almost impossible fight?Poe had lost a lot, and he was somehow still going, but losing Jessica? that was gonna be a little harder to get though alone, and thank gods he doesn't have to do it alone this time.





	Its not fine

**Author's Note:**

> Yo! so anyway have some gay shit and if you want more i've got like 6 on my account, so go and check them out if you want.
> 
> anyway, as per usual this was originally posted on my tumblr: ao3-hipster-fangirl-trash.tumblr.com
> 
> so, enjoy!
> 
> sophie xx

Of course it was Poe who was hit the hardest by Jessica Parva’s death.

She had been accompanying him on a seemingly easy mission out to Dantooine, investigating an old activated beacon. It was supposed to be quick, it was supposed to be harmless, it was supposed to be something that brought them back home alive.

Of course, it was a trap. They had been swarmed by hundreds of Tie fighters, outnumbered easily and completely overwhelmed by the ships they were narrowly avoiding. Each time a shot was fired, it got closer and closer to their wings, BB-8 trilling out in panic, drawing their attention to the next ship targeting them. They had been able to somewhat manoeuvre away into an open space, making it easier to fly between the fighters, however it hadn’t been easy enough. In fact, Poe hadn’t even noticed Jessica’s flaming wing until she started calling mayday.

“Poe! Poe I’m going down!” He turned to look out of his window, on his left, gasping as he saw half of her X-wing engulfed in flames, the entire back section completely consumed with smoke.

“Jess, eject. Eject and I’ll land and grab you.”

A nervous laugh sounded on the other side.

“Eject in a squadron full of Tie’s? Are you nuts Dameron? I might as well just crash into one, at least I’d take one of em down.”

Her tone was joking, but Poe could hear the fear lacing every word, conviction when she spoke about taking down a tie fighter.

“Parva if you dare I’ll make sure your funeral is only slightly above average.”

The fire had spread to the other wing, he couldn’t see her cockpit anymore, the smoke had completely surrounded it and left him blind to his second.

“Good to know.” Her voice was shaking and Poe could swear he could hear her breathing becoming laboured, trying to hold on a little in the smoke.

The line was crackling with static, her comm still open but no voice coming through. Suddenly it shut off.

“Parva?” Her X-wing was still in the air, flying in a steady line, somehow avoiding most of the Tie’s around her, yet she wasn’t replying.

“Parva?” Her plane started wavering, the engine on the left side shutting down, leaving her leaning at an odd angle, almost swerving.

He saw the Tie out of the corner of his eye, close enough to her for her to crash into, yet far enough from Poe that he would’t get hurt. He knew what she was going to do. He would have done the same thing.

“Jess don’t you dare do it.” He was talking more to himself than her.

The Tie got closer and closer, swerving ever so slightly in its course, and as it got close enough, Poe saw it happen.

The entire world started going in slow motion, the roar of the engines dulling down to a hum and BB-8’s shrieks completely forgotten as he saw Jessica get her ship into position, the entire plane almost completely vanished in smoke. He had no idea how it hadn’t hit the fuel compartment yet, or how one engine was still functioning, but it did, and it was manoeuvrable enough to pilot. He saw the X-wing swerve violently, intentionally, and saw the Tie try and correct its course, to save itself, but it was too late.

Both ships intercepted and smashed into pieces, debris cascading from the crash.

Poe didn’t quite remember what happened next, he remembered feeling his throat get sorer and sorer, screaming out her name as if it would bring her back. He was vaguely aware of BB-8 trilling to him, and he remembered seeing flames. Not from his own ship, but from that of the Tie fighters, every single one he shot down was shot down too late. Too late to save Jess from the fire.

A little while later, he remembered being in light speed, hitting his control panel as hard as he could, tears streaming down his face silently, as he tried to think of any way he could have saved her.

He thought about how he was the one who asked her to take this mission with him. ‘It’ll be fun’, he had said. He hit the dashboard.

He thought about how she had said ‘only if I lead’, he had agreed. That was a hit to the glass.

He thought about how, if he had been the one who had been shot, she could have saved him, she would have saved him. He couldn’t hit anymore.

The three hour ride was lonely and quiet, every single rattle from the X-wing making Poe flinch. What had she heard before she died? Had it been his words in her ear, telling her to land, begging her not to do what she was doing? Or had it been silence. Had her entire body tuned out every single sound around her, a calm peace surrounding her as she directed the nose of her bird right towards the enemy?

Or maybe she had screamed. Poe didn’t want to think about that.

When he was close enough, and calm enough, he radio’d in a mission report, knowing that as soon as he landed he would make a beeline for his room and stay there for the next few days, ignoring the outside world. He told mission control of the trap, or the Tie’s, and of Jessica, his voice cracking when he said her name. He heard them saying something about telling the general before going quiet, and leaving Poe alone with his thoughts once more. This time he didn't cry, because he knew he was going to land in the next 10 minutes, and if he couldn’t be strong for his teammates then who could he be strong for?

When his X-wing landed, he was steeled. His eyes were dry of tears and his face void of emotions as he climbed down the ladder, rung by rung, preparing himself for the onslaught of people, demanding to know what happened.

His feet hit the concrete, along with several pairs of others, slapping against the floor heading towards him, almost like a stampede coming over to trample him. He felt panic rise in his chest and a lump filling his throat.

No.

Get a hold of yourself Dameron. You’re better than this.

He turned to face the crew who had gathered around him. Snap, who was waiting with bated breath to hear the news, Rey, who had been the one to tell Jess good luck, and given her a kiss on the cheek, and Finn, who had told Poe to ‘not be an idiot’, all staring at him, waiting to hear the news, whatever ‘the news’ was.

They were all looking, watching.

He was facing them now, trying to remain emotionless and stoic, yet even as he tried to keep his face impassive, he felt a tear tracking down the side of his face, completely betraying his facade.

“I-“ he stopped himself, unable to speak completely, the lump still blocking him from talking.

He felt his legs begin to move without his permission, pushing past a bewildered Finn before sprinting down the corridors of the resistance base, his feet slapping against the stone and echoing through the halls. Poe’s heart was in his chest, beating faster and faster as he pushed himself forwards, his body guiding him back to his chambers. He was aware of the tears, falling faster that the rain in monsoon season, streaking down his cheek.

He turned into his room, slamming the door shut behind him and leaning against the alloy, trying to regain his breath, his hand still aching from where he had hit against the console of his X-wing, but instead of finding the pain annoying, he found it endearing and refreshing, pulling him from spiralling emotionally.

He was sobbing. Not small, quite huffs, but large ugly sobs which stopped you from breathing and took over your whole body, shaking it to the core. The type of sobs which would leave an emptiness when they left, making you too still. A sob which would leave an aftershock, your breath shaking every once and a while even after you had stopped crying. Those were the sobs which had taken over Poe Dameron and were leaving him completely immovable on the floor of his apartment, not moving from where he had sat down.

He could feel vibrations going through the door, perhaps because of him, perhaps not, but he didn’t care. He was holding himself, his arms wrapped tightly around his sides, trying to hold himself together. He had brought his legs up, so that his forehead was rested on his knees, supporting him, keeping him upright.

“Poe?” Finn’s voice came through, piercing the haze which had snuck in on Poe, dulling his senses.

“Poe are you alright?” He wanted to reply, but he couldn’t find the words, his mouth was hung open uselessly, only held in a silent aloof in a silent plea.

“Can I come in?” He heard shuffling from the other side of the door, perhaps his feet gently prodding at the opening between the alloy and the flooring?

Poe shuffled to the side, clearing himself from the door, before reaching up and turning the handle slowly and opening the door slightly, leaving it ajar for Finn.

The door opened fully, letting Finn slip in, before he closed it and slid down the door, resting next to Poe, who had opted to let his tears fall silently, as opposed to the sobbing which had overtaken him before.

They didn’t speak for a while, Finn letting Poe cry silently, and Poe letting Finn stay, both feeling somewhat more comfortable in each others company than they were when they were alone. Poe’s head was still hung into his legs, a small act of self comfort to try and calm himself down.

“What happened to your hand?”

Poe didn’t reply, sure that Finn was talking about the hand he had used to hit the ship. He hadn't looked at it yet.

Finn gently reached towards the hand, slipping his under it and tugging it towards himself, removing it from Poe’s side and caressing it in an act of reassurance, as well as trying to see what was wrong with his hand, if anything was seriously damaged or broken.

Poe was completely still. His tears had started to dry up and the knot in his throat has somewhat loosened, whilst still there, it was bearable, yet he stayed still. He didn't want to move, for fear that if he did the knot would tighten again and hold him captive, so he stayed still, allowing himself to enjoy the sensation of Finn stroking his hand reassuringly and keeping him company.

At some point, Poe fell asleep, at least he assumed he had, because he woke up. And when he woke up, he was in his bed, far from the door where he last remembered being, and last he checked, his bed didn’t breath.

He opened his eyes to see him leaning against a shirt, or someone in a shirt. Said shirt was attached to one former storm trooper who had stayed with him earlier and was now in his bed, letting him rest on his chest.

Poe lay there for a moment longer, letting himself soak in the warmth beneath him, before trying to stand up. As he tried to bring himself in a sitting position, he found an arm wrapped protectively around his waist.

He tried to remove himself from it, opting to slip from Finns grasp, only to find it snaked around him too tight, leaving Poe no other choice than to simply lie and wait till he woke.

He could feel Finn breathing beneath him, each breath just as deep as the last, making his chest, and by default Poe’s head, rise slowly, then fall over and over again in a reassuring fashion. He could hear Finn’s heart, beating gently against his ribs, and if he so desired he was sure that, should he hold Finn’s wrist, he would feel a strong pulse, hammering away just below the surface of the skin. His train of thought brought him to how Jessica must have felt before she died. How fast was her pulse, was it stronger than before, rocketing because of fear? Or was it weaker, the smoke in the cabin dulling it as she got little to no oxygen in her system. Was her heart beating faster or slower? Were her breaths coming out in pants? Were they long and laboured? Or were they calm, accepting of the fate which had befallen her?

Surprisingly, Poe didn’t cry when he thought of this. Instead he found an immeasurable rage building inside of himself, clawing its way to the surface. The same rage he had felt when he heard of his mothers death, the same rage when he felt Han Solo dying, an all consuming animalistic rage that was slowly building inside of him.

He sat still, letting it feed off his thoughts rather than taking action. He had remembered what had happened when he acted upon his rage. He had scars littering his body, some self inflicted and others accidents, yet the rage that he felt was not quietened by him sitting still. If anything, it became more intense, burning through him like a fire in a dry forest, destroying anything in his path.

Yet still, he sat, and waited for Finn to rise.

By the time Finn woke, the sweltering rage had dulled to a spitting anger, somewhat on the edge of his conscious yet still ready to strike if necessary.

Finns arm around Poe’s waist tightened.

“G’morning.” A sleepy voice came from above him, drawing his attention to Finn yawning above him.

Poe remained silent, still somewhat lost in thought.

“Poe?” No reply.

“Poe are you alright? I mean, probably not, stupid question, you know that never mind wrong question,” Finn took a deep breath in, “Poe, what’s wrong?”

The anger flared, rearing its ugly head within Poe, igniting the rage which he had felt earlier and tried to dull down. He realised then that he had only succeeded at pushing it down, rather than extinguishing it.

He gave what could have been interpreted as a grown of sorts, burying his head into Finns shirt. Finn would have been ecstatic about said situation, if it weren’t because the man he had crushed on since day one was mourning the loss of a teammate and a good friend.

“Poe?”

Suddenly, Poe sat up, throwing off Finns arm and rushing towards the other side of the room, before reaching the ‘fresher and turning the nob on the sink. He cupped some water and splashed it on his face, then ran his hand through his hair and glared at his reflection in contempt.

Finn sat and watched, completely unsure of what to do. Sure he had to deal with people grieving in the first order, sure he had seen them go all the stages, but in the first order, there were no friends, only soldiers, so comforting one another wasn’t really a thing.

“I can’t keep pretending I’m o.k. anymore.” Finns attention was drawn to Poe, who was still looking at his reflection, but more in melancholy than anything else.

“What?”

Poe sighed and looked down.

“I’m not ok. I haven’t been for years, I mean, gods know anyone in the Resistance isn’t exactly ‘O.K.’, but,” he took a deep breath in through his nose, closing his eyes, “I can’t pretend anymore. I’ve been through this before. This isn’t strange to me, losing a teammate, but i’m not sure how many more I can lose before I realise that this fight is useless, that I'm useless in it.”

Finn was sat in shocked silence, watching one of the most inspirational, most uplifting Resistance members, somewhat give up.

“Maybe, maybe we should just give up on all of this.” He continued, looking Finn in the eye. Finn tried to look, to see some spark of hope which usually drove Poe, but only saw sadness. Futility.

“Don’t tell me to give up like everything is meaningless.”

Finn had stood up now, and was looking directly at Poe not breaking eye contact.

“I’ve seen what those people do, what happens when people like you decide the fight is useless and let me tell you, I will fight a Resistanceless future till my dying breath.”

He’d begun to walk towards the ‘fresher, taking slow and measured steps.

“I don’t want to have to go back to ‘Order’ or ‘Regiment’, I want hope, I want to fight.”

He had reached the ‘fresher by now, and was standing about a meter away from Poe, still making sure to make slow movements, and leaving enough room for him to leave should he want to.

“I want to fight that, but not without you.”

Poe’s breath hitched, his eyes now level with Finn’s were fearful. Not of Finn, but of what he was saying. Sure he had been the one who had originally somewhat drawn Finn to the Resistance, dragging him into this fight, but he had never once considered that Finn would drag himself out, should Poe do the same.

Finn took a hesitant step towards Poe, only leaving a minimal gap between the two, both of their noses almost touching.

“I’m not gonna let you be alone in this, and I’m sure as hell not gonna let you give up on this. We will lose people, thats how war works, but what would Jessica tell you right now?”

Poe gave a gentle laugh.

“She’d probably tell me to get my head out of my ass.”

Finn nodded slightly.

“Exactly.”

They were centimetres apart, their noses now brushing, neither of them leaning in or out, simply being within the same space.

Poe felt himself push forwards slightly, his eyes closing, before Finn did the same, their lips meeting halfway, brushing against each other. Poe felt himself pull away slightly before Finn leant in and captured Poe’s lips in a gentle kiss, bringing Poe closer to him. Poe’s hand snuck around the back of Finn’s neck, and Finn snaked his hand in Poe’s curls, tangling his hair between his fingers.

They began to become more passionate, all of Poe’s anger being poured into the kiss, trying so hard to believe what Finn was saying, yet still feeling that spark of anger and the knot of sadness within his throat. He pushed himself further into the kiss, feeling Finn respond in kin, wrapping his arm around Poe’s waist and bringing him to his chest. Both of Poe’s arms wrapped around Finn’s neck and drew him impossibly closer.

Both of them surfaced for air, their foreheads touching as they panted, their breaths fanning each others lips.

“We’re not fine, in fact, most people here will never be fine, you know that right?”

Poe felt himself nod slightly, before dipping back in to give Finn a quick kiss, and drawing back out.

“I’m ok with being not fine, you?”

Finn smiled.

“Swell.”


End file.
